All in a Huff
When I coined the moniker for “Speakerphone Asshole,” I didn’t realize how accurate the Asshole part of it was. The man is the biggest douche I have come across in a long time. He’s made it clear several times that unless you have a penis, he doesn’t want to hear your opinion.
Luckily, my job doesn’t require much interaction with SA, but when it does, it takes all of my restraint to keep from telling him off.
Not long ago, he asked me to retrieve some information that was found on an Excel file that was sitting on a server he didn’t have access to. Fine, no big deal. I told him I’d download the file and e-mail it to him. “No, that’s not necessary, just send me the information I need,” he said explaining what data he was looking for. I let Larry (my boss) know about the request and while he wasn’t thrilled about it, he figured it would only take a few minutes and that would be that.
I pulled the information SA wanted and sent it to him. Five minutes later he was at my workstation flailing his arms around like an idiot. “Could you add a few more columns with the data for such and such?” he asked.
I ground my teeth and suggested again that perhaps I send him the entire spreadsheet so he (or someone on his staff) could retrieve whatever information he wanted. “If you could just add those two columns, that’d be great,” he replied.
Begrudgingly, I added the columns and information he wanted and sent it off to him. All was quiet for a few weeks and then SA came over in a total panic. “This information doesn’t indicate the regional differences, I need to know what’s different across the country!” he said in a huff.
I was about ready to tell him to take the papers he was waving around and shove them up his ass. Instead, I scanned through the original file, picked out the relevant regional information and updated the file I’d been sending him. About five minutes later, I saw SA speed by my desk, papers in hand and head into John (his boss’) office. This is going to be interesting, I thought. I knew whatever SA was huffing and puffing about had to do with the report I’d been working on for him.
Sure enough, not two minutes later, John and Speakerphone Asshole were standing at my desk. “This report you’ve sent SA,” John began, furrowing his brow, “it doesn’t appear to be complete.”
Are you kidding me?! I wanted to scream. You had to get your boss involved because you’re too chicken shit to say what it is you want or have a problem with?!
Instead I replied with, “I pulled whatever information was in the original file.”
“Can I see the original file?” Speakerphone Asshole asked.
“Of course, I asked if you wanted to see it a few weeks ago and you had said no,” I reminded him.
John looked at me and then at SA. I wondered if the daggers I was shooting at SA were visible to anyone else.
“If you could send me that, I’ll find the information I want myself,” SA said as he turned and walked away. John quickly retreated to his office and I sat where I was both amused and annoyed.
I wasted time and energy on that report only to have to send him the original anyway; something I wanted to do from the very beginning. What a pain in the ass.
Speakerphone Asshole has this mentality that the females in the office are there for his benefit. I’d like to remind him that this isn’t the 1960’s and I’m not like one of the secretaries out of Mad Men who types correspondence all day and worries about showing enough leg. Not that I think the last bit would matter much to SA; the man opens his mouth and a purse falls out. I’m not sure what’s taking him so long to find the handle to the closet door, but he needs to find it soon.
I’m so glad that my job limits my interaction with SA and that I sit a good distance away from him. Not only does he disgust everyone around him by clipping his fingernails in his office but he annoys them with his incessant speakerphone conversations and cologne overdoses.
I’ll take having to deal with cheapness any day.
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Gawd what a pain in the arse!
My manager is supremely incompetent but not ugly with it.
What’s funny is that he’s complained several times about people who eat their lunches at their desks. The smells offend him.
Which is rich considering he smells like he bathes in cologne.
He’s a total deuche.