Dear Speakerphone Asshole,

I’d like to take a minute to point out to you that the ipod and portable speakers you were admiring yesterday on my male colleague’s desk actually belong to me. I’m sure that in the 6 months we’ve been sitting close to each other, you’ve noticed said ipod and speakers on my desk. So I’m left wondering why you waited until they were in possession of a male to ask about them. Did you think my wittle girly brain wouldn’t be able to explain to you how to add songs to an ipod and have them play through the speakers? Is it because I don’t have a penis that you wouldn’t let me set you up with our department’s default printer, instead asking yet another male to do so? The next time I overhear you ask where something plugs into, I’ll gladly let you know where you can stick it.

Dear Miss Vic,

For the love of all that is holy, Shut the Fuck Up already. You are, by far, the most ignorant person I have ever had to deal with on an on-going basis. No one cares about what your opinion is. Especially since you don’t even speak like an adult. Pronouncing “gorgeous” as “gor-jesus” doesn’t make you hip, it makes you sound like a toddler who hasn’t learned to sound out their words yet. Please refrain from leaving your cell phone, e-mail notification and office phone at full volume. No one else on the floor of the building cares when you get a call or e-mail. And lastly, before you drag other people into the washroom to gossip, it’d be wise to see if there’s anyone else in the stalls. Idiot.

Dear Crackhead on Bicycle,

Thank you for so graciously crashing into my truck, damaging it and then taking off before any information could be obtained from you. Apparently, traffic laws don’t apply to people on bicycles who are coked out of their mind. Why else would you have been blazing through the intersection into incoming traffic? (And by incoming traffic, I mean my vehicle.) Spending $1000+ on something I wanted is sooooo 2007. Spending $1000+ on fixing something your cracker ass did is definitely more fun. I didn’t really want to go to New York this summer. Really, I didn’t. I hope that  the next time your stupid ass pulls a similar stunt you end up under a very large vehicle. Preferably a steam roller.

Signed,
me.

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