Well, where to start? The last week and a half has just been a blur; a crazy kind of blur where I’ve felt really, really good one moment and like absolute shit the next. The time to seek my freedom and independence has come. I can’t live in the shadow of what other people want me to be. This is my life, my shot at things, so I’m taking charge for once. Am I scared? Absolutely. But at the same time, I’m as ready as I’ve ever been. I have a strong support system in my friends and my amazing girlfriend. Each day, I wake up and she’s the first thing I think of. I wonder if she’s had a good sleep and I think about how beautiful she is in the morning. And the cute way she tries to fix her hair so that it’s not looking so crazy. I honestly can’t remember what life was like before her and I really don’t want to remember it, because what we have now is the realest, purest thing ever.

I digress…

I had made my first appointments to see places last week; I had two viewings for Friday night. Friday morning came and I was excited – I could be hours away from seeing my next home. The butterflies were going crazy in my stomach and I just wanted work to be over so that I could get over to seeing the places – and seeing the beauty that is S. She and I had been exchanging texts all morning and all was going well, until she sent a text in the afternoon saying she wasn’t feeling well. After going for a walk, she decided to go home. I began to worry; this was the second day in a row she was leaving work early – something was off. I left the office and made my way to S’s place. Upon leaving the subway, I got a text from her saying she was throwing up. Panic quickly set in, I wanted to be with her then and there, yet I was still ways away. I hated knowing she was sick and I wasn’t there with her. I don’t remember the rest of the trip to her place, all I can remember is the urgency I felt in wanting to get there.

When I did get there, my baby was curled up on the couch, absolutely no colour to her skin. She was throwing up every few minutes. I felt so helpless; I didn’t want to crowd her because I know that when I’m feeling like that, the last thing I want is to be touched. But I didn’t want to be far from her in case she needed anything. I stayed around for a bit, and then it was time to go see a place. I made my way to the building only to be shown a shoe-box. I picked up a quick sandwich and made my way back to S’s place. She was still throwing up and my having brought food back didn’t help things any. I couldn’t go near her since I smelled of food. Later on in the evening, she thought perhaps Pepto might help settle her stomach some. I headed out and brought her back some. I placed it by her bed and she took some shortly after, only to have it come back up. I hung out for most of the night with the gal pal, we both just kind of sat there, freaked out and not knowing what to do. I left after yet another session of love-making to the porcelain god. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as helpless as I did leaving there that night.

The next day, S had let me know that the puking had finally stopped overnight, but she still felt like shit. I had another run in with the ministers of ethical behaviour that morning and was more determined then ever to get the fuck out. I had two more appointments for that afternoon. I took care of shit around the house, showered and made my way out. I got stuck traveling with my annoying neighbour, who it turns out, works for one of the company’s supplier. So for about 15 minutes, all I heard was “isn’t this a small world!” I was so tempted to shove her onto the subway tracks, but then I would have been late for my appointments. I finally get to the first place and I rang the Super. There wasn’t any answer, so I called up the number that was on the ad. There wasn’t any answer there either so I called up S to get her opinion on it. We chatted for a few minutes and I decided to leave them a voice mail. I called the Super again and left a message telling them I’d wait around for a few more minutes. The minutes continued to pass and I left, making my way to appointment number 2.

I got to that place and rang the Super there. A woman with a brisk voice answered that the office was closed and that I’d have to make an appointment during regular business hours. I left, feeling dejected, frustrated and with an anxious knot tying itself around my neck. After that morning’s run-in, I just wanted to get the fuck out. And here I was, beating the pavement and no where closer to that goal. I did some shopping and made my way to pick up some things for my baby that she needed. I got to her S’s place and she was on the couch with her gal pal, watching a movie. She’d had some toast and crackers and was slowly gaining her strength back. I sat next to the couch and we watched a movie together. She looked much better, there was colour again in her cheeks and she was actually up to talking. The movie ended and I announced that I should get going. As much as I wanted to stay, I knew I couldn’t; not after what had happened that morning. I began tying my shoes and I felt the tears build up in my eyes. They were tears of sheer frustration at how things were panning out. I had set my hopes pretty high, I was certain I’d be able to find a new place within the first few appointments. And here I was heading home no closer to that. I turned away from where I was because I didn’t want S to see that I was crying. I knelt down and was facing the door, my back to her. I tried my best to keep the tears back, but she kept talking to me and I just lost control. The tears just flowed. S came by and took me in her arms. As sick as she was, she wrapped me up in her form and let me know that it’d be ok. (Again, where she came from, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m blessed to have her in my life.) After soothing me down, I ventured home. I looked up some more places that were available for rent that night and went to bed tired and a bit less frustrated.

Sunday rolled around and did some work that I hadn’t gotten a chance to do while at the office. S called and let me know her nieces were being dropped off for a few days (even though her family knew she was sick.) I guess we never escape from our families – no matter how far we move away from them, they always find a way to guilt you into things. I picked up some things for S and the girl’s on my way and got there a few minutes before the girls arrived. We hung out for a bit, playing video games and watching TV. S was looking good, she was up on her feet again and joking around like she does. I wanted to touch her, kiss her, run my fingers along her skin, alas; I had to behave since the kids were there. S and I went over what I’d brought over; apparently I’m an excessive shopper. I don’t really see this as a bad thing, after all, is there really such a thing as too much juice?! Ok, maybe there is, but it’s not like I brought a shit load of Mac N Cheese…

I spent my Monday calling up places and I made two more appointments for that afternoon. I left work early and headed over to one place. It was a decent enough place, lots of room, clean, an alright area, but a bit out of my price range. I jumped back on the subway and went to place #2 where a very hairy dude showed me a cute little apartment. He told me about the incentive which decreased the price to something I could pull off easily. I called S upon leaving the place and told her I could picture it as my home. I thought about it some more that night and decided to take it. I called the next morning only to be told I needed to fill out an application. I went over at lunch and picked it up. I got back to the office a few minutes late, but no one noticed. I called the place back that night while on the way to class only to be told that someone else had already submitted an application and that I’d only get it if that person was declined. I felt the same way I’d had on Saturday, frustrated and dejected. I never thought it’d take this long to find a place. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I kept cutting out of work early, someone was bound to say something eventually. I talked to S while on the way to class and she tried her best to re-assure me that things would work out. I sat in class and stewed – then I said, “Fuck it.” I’ve already had low moments in my life and I pulled out of that just fine, I just have to keep plugging away at this and I’m bound to find something.

I spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon booking appointments for Thursday. I spent Wednesday evening with S. She was fully recovered. It’d been a few days since we’d been together and we more then made up for it. The thing about S is that she’s absolutely beautiful with her clothes on. When we’re lying there naked, I’m left breathless. She’s perfect, the smoothest skin, all the little curves in all of the right places, its all I can do to not maul her. She’s an intense lover, with a talented mouth and abundance of passion. Needless to say, the sex we had that night was absolutely mind blowing. I’ve never understood the casual thing, and after being with S, I don’t think I could ever get it. I think the reason sex is so fucking amazing is the fact that I’m so in love with her. What greater pleasure is there then to know you’re pleasing the woman you love?

On to Thursday, I faked sick at work to leave early. I met Am for lunch and we caught ourselves up on all of the gossip in our lives. After lunch, I went to place number one; or so I thought. It turns out I was in the wrong place, but it was alright since there was availability at this place too. The Super showed me the place and it was by far the biggest place I’d seen yet. I filled out an application and was told to come back with a deposit. I spoke to S who was suspicious of it so I decided to see a few more places before dropping off some cash. I dropped in at a nearby building and it was the place I had initially made the appointment with. It was also the building where two of my boys live, in fact, the apartment I was shown was down the hall from them. The apartment was tiny though and it needed a good cleaning. Off I went to see more places. One of which was decent enough and was run by an elderly couple. I took an application from them and made my way to another place; – another dump. I spoke with S again who got some extra advice about the first place I’d seen. Time was ticking, I needed to get some cash, some paper work filled out and get back to the place within an hour. I got to the bank and was relieved to see it was still open. I got what I needed and hopped in a cab, I made it to the office with some time to spare. I handed in the rest of my paperwork and was left with nothing but time on my hands. All I could do was wait, see if I’d be beaten to it by someone else.

And then, this morning, I noticed my cell phone ringing while at work (I leave it on vibrate on my computer’s tower so that I can see whenever I get a text from S.) I checked the voice mail to hear what I’d been wanting to hear for the passed week, my application was approved!! I called the office back and told them I’d be in to sign the paperwork later on today. I called S right away and gave her the good news. She was surprised and excited and happy for me. I called up LuLu and let her know, she was pretty stoked too. I emailed some other folks too, let them in on the good news.

So here I sit, a few hours after officially renting my new place. I am so excited; I can’t put it into words. This is a huge turning point for me. I’m finally going to be able to live life on my terms, my way. This will be really good for my relationship with S as now there won’t be that cloud of stress hanging over us. And in time, things with the family will mend themselves. I’m not kidding myself; I know it won’t be easy. But I’ve never been as ready as I am now. Two weeks from tomorrow, I begin a new chapter in my life. I can’t bloody wait.

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  3. Sickly S
  4. Relaxed and Easy Day
  5. There’s no place like home…